Please submit your joke to firstname.lastname@example.org
New use for Windex
I haven't checked snopes.com to see if this actually works or not . . .
But they say that if you ever get the sudden urge to run around naked, you should sniff some Windex first.
It'll keep you from streaking!
You are a South African bush pilot working for Blue Sky Aviation.
You fly in some critical medical supplies, enjoy a quick lunch at the
It's a stifling 100 degrees in the shade and you're eager to get back
up to the cool, high blue yonder.
On the way back to your plane, you discover that the only bit of
shade within 1 mile has become very popular . . You start calculating
the distance to the plane door and wonder . . .
"Do I feel lucky today?"
(See picture at bottom of this section.)
Two men walk into a bar...
Two men walk into a bar. One sits at one end of the bar and the
other at the opposite end. The bartender asks the first man what
he wants. I'll have a Frizzle...that's a beer with a splash of
tonic, a splash of orange juice, a squeeze of lemon, no lime."
Then the man at the other end of the bar orders. "Make mine a
Frizzle. It's a beer with just a bit of tonic, a bit of orange
juice, a squeeze of lemon, but no lime." The astonished bartender
makes the drinks. Then he asks the first man what he does for a
living. "I am a theoretical mathematician at the university." Then
he asks the other man what he does. "Theoretical mathematician at
the college." "This is remarkable," says the bartender. "You
both order a drink that I've never heard of. You have the
identical profession and you both walk into my bar on the same day
at the same time. What are the odds on something like that
happening?" Both men look up and answer in unison, "Twelve
trillion, nine hundred, and eighty-seven billion to one."
Travel Advice from England
If you are planning to visit the United Kingdom and happen to come
from one of the many countries that drive on the wrong side of the
road, the following advice, direct from the Ministry of Transport, is
for you: "Visitors are informed that in the United Kingdom traffic
drives on the left-hand side of the road. In the interests of safety,
you are advised to practise this in your country of origin for a week
or two before driving in the UK."
A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his
customer, "This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove
it to you."
The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the
other, then calls the boy over and asks, "Which do you want, son?"
The boy takes the quarters and leaves.
"What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns!"
Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming
out of the ice cream store. "Hey, son... May I ask you a question?
Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?"
The boy licked his cone and replied, "Because the day I take the
dollar, the game's over!"
You might be a High-Tech Redneck If...
Your e-mail address ends in "@over.yonder.com."
Your laptop has a sticker that says, "Protected by Smith and Wesson."
You've ever doubled the value of your truck by installing a cellular phone.
You wire your network with jumper cables.
Your wife said either she or the computer had to go, and you still
don't miss her.
You've ever used a CD-ROM as a coaster to set your drink on.
Three Words: Daisy Duke Screensaver
Your spell checker knows words like, "Y'all", "Yonder", and "Reckon."
Your belt buckle is made from a dead 3.5" disk drive.
Smith & Wesson... the original Point-N-Click interface.
When you order your new pick-up truck with a gun rack and PCMCIA sockets.
You only buy from GateWay, 'cause the cow-colored boxes are a hoot.
My mom has a lead foot, so I was not surprised when a state trooper
pulled us over as we were driving through Georgia. Hoping to get off
with a warning, Mom tried to appear shocked when he walked up to the
car. "I have never been stopped like this before," she said to the officer.
"What do they usually do, ma'am," he asked, "shoot the tires out?"
ONLY A SOUTHERNER
Only a Southerner knows the difference between a hissie fit and a
conniption fit, and that you don't "HAVE" them, you "PITCH" them.
Only a Southerner knows how many fish, collard greens, turnip greens,
peas, beans, etc., make up "a mess."
Only a Southerner can show or point out to you the general direction
Only a Southerner knows exactly how long "directly" is,... as in:
"Going to town, be back directly."
Even Southern babies know that "Gimme some sugar" is not a request
for the white, granular sweet substance that sits in a pretty little
bowl in the middle of the table.
All Southerners know exactly when "by and by" is. They might not use
the term, but they know the concept well.
Only a Southerner knows instinctively that the best gesture of solace
for a neighbor who's got trouble is a plate of hot fried chicken and
a big bowl of cold potato salad. If the neighbor's trouble is a real
crisis, they also know to add a large banana puddin!
Only Southerners grow up knowing the difference between "right near"
and "a right far piece." They also know that "just down the road" can
be 1 mile or 20.
No true Southerner would ever assume that the car with the flashing
turn signal is actually going to make a turn
A Southerner knows that "fixin" can be used as a noun, a verb, or an adverb.
In the South, y'all is singular.... all y'all is plural
Southerners know grits come from corn and how to eat them.
Every Southerner knows tomatoes with eggs, bacon, grits, and coffee
are perfectly wonderful; that red eye gravy is also a breakfast food;
and that fried green tomatoes are not a breakfast food.
When you hear someone say, "Well, I caught myself lookin'," you know
you are in the presence of a genuine Southerner!
Only true Southerners say "sweet tea" and "sweet milk." Sweet tea
indicates the need for sugar and lots of it -- we do not like our tea
unsweetened. "Sweet milk" means you don't want buttermilk
And a true Southerner knows you don't scream obscenities at little
old ladies who drive 30 MPH on the freeway. You just say, "Bless her
heart"... and go your own way.
And to those of you who are still having a hard time understanding
all this Southern stuff ... bless your hearts, I hear they are fixin'
to have classes on Southernness as a second language!
And for those who are not from the South but have lived here for a
long time, all y'all need a sign to hang on y'alls front porch that
reads "I ain't from the South, but I got here as fast as I could."
Bless your hearts ... y'all have a blessed day.
AN END TO HOUSEWORK
1. Create a new folder in your PC.
2. Name it "Housework."
3. Send it to the RECYCLE BIN.
4. Empty the RECYCLE BIN.
5. Your PC will ask you, "Are you sure you want to delete
6. Calmly answer, "Yes," and press the mouse button firmly......
7. Feel better?
A farmer had a horse that could understand nearly anything. The story of the horse spread, and soon scientists showed up to study it. Sure enough, the horse learned everything that was presented to it, with one exception: geometry. The scientists were puzzled, but the old farmer knew the problem. They were putting Descartes before the horse!
Cat joining the army.
My housecat went down to the local military recruiting depot to sign up for the service. He came back about two hours later and sadly explained that he couldn't enlist because he would have to be "de-furred".
Don't know if this was actually in the wsj. Peg
contributed by DHW
IF YOU THINK YOU'RE DUMB ABOUT COMPUTERS, READ THIS, YOU'LL FEEL BETTER.
Take heart, anyone among you who believes he or she is
technologically challenged, you "ain't seen nuthin" yet. This is an
excerpt from a Wall Street Journal article:
> > >
> > >1. Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the "Any" key is.
> > >2. AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.
> > >3. Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of troubleshooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the "Send" key.
> > >4. Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his bathtub with soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and washing them individually.
> > >5. A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged because his computer had told him he was "Bad and an invalid." The tech explained that the computer's "bad command" and "invalid" responses shouldn't be taken personally.
> > >6. A confused caller to IBM was having trouble printing documents. He told the technician that the computer had said it "couldn't find printer." The user had also tried turning the computer screen to face the printer but that his computer still couldn't "see" the printer.
> > >7. An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't get her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response, "I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happened." The "foot pedal" turned out to be the computer's mouse...
> > >8. Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand new computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked, "What power switch?"
> > >9. Another IBM customer had trouble installing software and rang for support. "I put in the first disk, and that was OK. It said to put in the second disk, and had some problems with the disk. When it said to put in the third disk, I couldn't even fit it in... " The user hadn't realized that "Insert Disk 2" implied removing Disk 1 first.
> > >10. A story from a Novell NetWare SysOp:
> > >
> > >CALLER: "Hello, is this Tech Support?"
> > >TECH: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?"
> > >CALLER: "The cup holder on my PC is broken -and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?"
> > >TECH: "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?"
> > >CALLER: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer."
> > >TECH: "Please excuse me. If I seem a bit stumped, it's
because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotion at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?"
> > >CALLER: "It came with my computer. I don't know anything about a promotional. It just has '4X' on it." At this point, the Tech Rep had to mute the caller because he couldn't stand it. He was laughing too hard..
> > >The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder and it had snapped it off the drive.
> > >11. A woman called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.
> The tech asked her if she was "running it under windows." The woman responded, "No, my desk is next to the door But that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window and his printer is working fine."
> > >12. And last but not least:
> > >
> > >TECH SUPPORT: "O.K. Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter "P" to bring up the Program Manager."
> > >CUSTOMER: "I don't have a 'P'".
> > >TECH SUPPORT: "On your keyboard, Bob."
> > >CUSTOMER: "What do you mean?"
> > >TECH SUPPORT: " 'P' on your keyboard, Bob."
> > >CUSTOMER: "I'm not going to do that!"
> > >AFTER ALL THESE, I DON'T FEEL TOO BAD NOW!
Contributed by Donna Weems
Needing to shed a few pounds, my husband and I went on a diet that had specific recipes for each meal of the day. I followed the instructions closely, dividing the finished recipe in half for our individual plates.
We felt terrific and thought the diet was wonderful--we never even felt hungry!
But when we realized we were gaining weight, not losing it, I checked the recipes again. There, in fine print, was: "Serves 6."
Thanks again to TB!
[Note: I've seen all of these before so the bit about it happening at COMDEX and shortly thereafter is almost certainly bogus. It is however funny and painfully close to the truth. -- TB]
Humor For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way computers have enhanced our lives, read on. At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon". In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics: (and I just love this part)
1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.
2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.
4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, 5 times as fast and twice as easy to drive ¯ but would run on only 5% percent of the roads.
6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed an Illegal Operation" warning light.
7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.
8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna
9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.
Joke submitted by TB above.
There was a blacksmith working at his anvil making a horseshoe. His friend comes along and says, "Let me see that horseshoe."
The blacksmith says you can not have this horseshoe. It is too hot. The friend says, "Let me look at that horseshoe," and he holds out his hand.
The blacksmith much against his better judgment takes the horseshoe out of the fire and gives it to his friend who immediately drops it. The blacksmith says, "I thought you wanted to look at the horseshoe."
And his friend says, "It doesn't take long to look at a horseshoe."